My last article on this website was about dancing for breakfast…four months ago! And while I would very much like to create a regular routine of blogging, to do so is sadly more difficult for me than routinely avoiding meat. It seems a simple task, creating a daily habit of writing; and yet, running 10km every morning for 3 months, or walking across Spain in 30 days has come more easily to me. It is one of the most difficult things I have attempted to do.
Someone, in his effort to encourage me into action, said: “How bad do you want it?” It, being anything in general. I understand what was being asked of me. What am I willing to do to achieve or acquire what I want.
Well, it seems that the more I am in want, the stronger is my resistance to taking action toward the desired. This has been demonstrated by my failure with consistent blog articles. Is it possible then, that I have turned writing into a desire of distraction? This would be a desire I make up in order to distract myself from attaining the mighty important desire that is so much closer to a dream than it is a reasonable goal to pursue. And that word, ‘pursue’…who wants to be chasing something? The connotation and sense memory of that wreaks of desperation and exhausting effort. And if that’s true, that I distract myself away from the things I most want, then I could perpetually be in a state of dissatisfaction. And this, I have read, is what it means to be an artist…to always be dissatisfied. That just won’t do for me. I prefer to think that life can be full of really satisfying achievements. In fact, I’ve known it in my past experiences to be so. But from where I am today, that level of vitality seems a great distance away.
So for this year of 2011, I’m going to use the metaphor of dance and song for how I consider goals and my desire to achieve. Rather than get daunted by the big empty dance floor with the exciting and complex music ( on days of supreme insecurity, add to that the anxiety of being observed), it probably be more gentle on myself to consider each step a small shimmy, a wee head bop, one step forward with a swing of a hip, closer to a goal.
I’m writing this entry at a computer in the majestic building of the Central Vancouver Public Library, the people around me are talking as if they are on a public bus, and my concentration is weakening among these fluorescent lights and chatter. And while I am not thrilled about the content I’ve written here, I am glad that I took a moment to write. Hopefully, you as the reader, aren’t regretting the few minutes you spent here. If you have, make a constructive comment, and if you’ve read this and have questions for yourself or for me then I’d like to get those too!
I have felt concerned that I don’t have a singular theme for my blog because having one subject matter to write about seems to work for so many. Themes are not why I write so themes, it would follow, don’t bring me to the keyboard. That desire to give voice to thought, to take action on an impulse to say something about anything, to update people who want to know what’s up to date with me, and to dance…with words.
It is the large scope of public that I find most challenging with blogging. So while I may have happenings to report, it may take me some time to find the words that can express them in my public voice. What is a public voice? Perhaps I’ll write about that in my next entry. Thanks for reading, and may you enjoy the dances of 2011 to their fullest.
