Janice Valdez

All day, I was looking forward to my swim. I had two consecutive days of swimming mover than 4 laps. In fact, Monday was exceptional because I practiced in the water for about 40 minutes. So today, I was all excited to repeat and build upon improvements. I get to the locker room, roll out my towel and realize, “UH! I forgot my swimsuit.” I have done fitness studio classes without my runners but somehow, I don’t think it would have gone so well to swim in my thong and tank top.

A woman a few lockers away started to curse herself out because she forgot her runners. And she started to call herself stupid just for forgetting. I thought that was sad. I find that word offensive even when other people use it on themselves. When we were younger we weren’t scolded for using words like “fuck” or “shit”, but words like “idiot” and “stupid” were never to be used. They were considered the most cruel terms to lash at others. And this confused me because it seemed like the rest of the world (at the time, teachers and classmates) were okay with using “idiot” and “stupid”. From where I stand now, I see that my mom was right.

I had fun despite not going for a swim. I revisited the empty hardwood studio, which I so very much enjoy for movement. And as a result of my forgetfulness, I also discovered that I can do a headstand for about 30 seconds! I think I can probably go longer but there were others so close to me that I didn’t want to push my limit and hit anyone.

Janice Uncategorized

Since I declared my learning to swim goal, I have a renewed commitment to spending time in and around the pool. I say ‘in and around’ the pool because while I go in at about 2pm and leave the locker room an hour later, I spend probably about 15 - 20 minutes of that time swimming; and even that may be a generous estimate.

Getting into the pool is not a problem. It’s breathing while I’m in it. Specifically, breathing with my face in the water. It looks really easy and effortless when I watch others doing their laps, and it’s great to observe so I can see what I’m working towards.

When I’m in, I’m thinking about all the ideal adjustments and this could be a part of my obstacle. When I’m following my thoughts, I am not following my breathe. And if there is anything I’ve learned in acting and voice classes…it is to allow the breathe to lead. Thoughts dictate, “breathe in, relax the neck, take it slow, 1 easy quiet stroke, twist to the side, look ahead, breath out, kick with soft knees, soft quiet stroke, turn head for a breath.” Breathe gives life to motion. Since I have a tendency to be ultra conscientious on proper technique as I’m learning, I just swim half a length of the pool and then turn around. Adding the fear factor of water depth that is beyond my vertical reach can be overwhelming, so easy-does-it as I warm-up my brain and nerves to do a lap.

After I reassure my body that I can, indeed, control my breathing in water, I go for one lap from one end to the other end. And I do this by telling myself, “Slow is good. You’ve done this before. And, if you panic in the deeper end, just flip onto your back and breath.” When I get to the other end, I usually stop and hang off the wall while catching my breath and then head back. It sounds very simple, perhaps, but it is actually really gratifying to make it from one end of the pool to the other end of the pool without an interruption of fear. That doesn’t mean I don’t feel fear in varying degrees as I’m moving along, it just means that I didn’t believe the fear and let it escalate, that time around. That is my version of being in the pool.

Being around the pool, that’s cool too. It’s kind of neat seeing how people move in the water and then when out of the water. So much focus is required while swimming that it is almost impossible to be watching other people while swimming. This makes it distinctly different from other activities like yoga, running, or any activity on land, basically. There is such a lovely lightness, it seems, when people are in the water that is peaceful. People seem to just be in their own movement. But when people get out of the water, there is a subtle to obvious shift that seems to indicate the return of the body image gremlins. If almost all of us are insecure about how our body appears, then essentially, we are just afraid of other people who are also incredibly insecure about the same thing.
“That’s silly!” my 4 year old neice would say.

Another great discovery in and around the pool is the usual peacefulness. I really appreciate that the pool is an indoor fitness environment without tv’s and monitors and loud music. Just my body moving in water….aaahhhh.

Janice Learning, Swimming

To give this blog “a point”, I’ve become aware of the importance of having something to write about, other than my random thoughts day-to-day. So I’m going to attempt blogging with a focus. What happens if I write about learning how to swim?

My memory of swimming goes back to swimming lessons in the Tamitik Recreation Centre in Kitimat, BC. When I was younger, I was enrolled in many different physical extra-curricular activities and I enjoyed them all. Ballet, gymnastics, ice skating, and swimming were the most memorable. One year I was in gymnastics and swimming at the same time. That same year, I developed symptoms that were thought, by a team of doctors, to be a brain tumor. I spent a week or more at the BC Children’s Hospital and upon my return home, with no evidence of a tumor found, I was no longer permitted to engage in gymnastics because of the potential harm the tumbling might do (it was thought by the adults). It was sad to stop and especially because it was not my abilities that were preventing me from continuing on with swimming. I think I lost my confidence to be in the water after believing that I was not fit for physical exertion. Not all was lost, though.

I had learned as much as one does at the dolphin level (I think): water safety, breathing, the dog paddle, the back stroke and the front stroke when I was about 6 or 7. Now I’m 32 and beginning again. I started going to the pool in my gym in 2007, inspired by a friend. His fitness activity of choice is swimming and being that I was still strengthening my knee from earlier that year, I decided to try it. It felt a bit intimidating, but it helped a great deal to just do the aqua classes first, getting comfortable with being in the pool. I suppose the easiest way would have been to sign-up for swimming classes. I didn’t have the extra money to pay for lessons so I just went for it on my own and experimented. I have not gotten much better but I know that I have improved. I started doing the front crawl with my head above the water. The first time I did a lap, the lifeguard came over to me to ask if I was okay. I calmly said, “Yes.” She said, “Okay, I just wanted to be sure. You know it’s more difficult to swim with your head above water.” I laughed and replied, “Yes, I know. I’m just not comfortable swimming with my face in the water, yet.” So I went to the ‘multi-purpose’ area, shallow and wide, and just practiced putting my face in the water, going back to basics like blowing bubbles. It was a reminder that one can never be too advanced for the value of basics.

A couple of weeks ago, I took an ‘open water workshop’ with the total immersion coach at the YWCA. Peter was a fantastic teacher! I was pretty scared of looking like a fool and I succeeded, in my own mind at least, of looking like a fool. I don’t know what it is about a group of attractive adults practically naked all learning to do something that feels very complex and unnatural that just begs for some light dialogue. And conversation and eye contact come as easily there as it does while showering naked next to a stranger.

It was only an hour but we covered a lot of really effective techniques. My long-term goal is to be able to freedive in the ocean. A short-term goal to that end is to get through one session of Intro to Masters. I feel a little impatient that the next session doesn’t start until September. If I am still motivated in September to progress with swimming, and I hope I will be, it will be a good indication of the likelihood that I’ll stick with it. I have a tendency to distract myself with so many exciting possibilities that I lose sight of things begun.

I will post about my process of learning to swim here and perhaps in that process I will also learn something about writing.

Janice Learning, Swimming

Being an artist is very very difficult. The most difficult part of it is not learning the techniques of the craft or perfecting a style. The most difficult part is continuing to choose to be an artist, each day.

I have tried not to be an artist - to deny myself of creative and artistic expression so that I could conform to the jobs and environments that seem to yield desirable results: money, security, appreciation and respect. I have failed miserably at resisting my right brain impulses. While they have posed great challenges to me, they have also saved me. Being an artist is difficult but it is my preferred and natural way of experiencing the world. It means coming from a place of holistic thinking, seeing how things connect and where unlikely and interesting pairings can occur. Being an artist is about choosing creative expression. Choosing creative expression is about honoring and celebrating oneself and all those who contributed to your shaping as an individual. Being, choosing, expressing…a cycle of life, renewal and growth.

Janice Uncategorized

I guess I was so engaged with my new beginnings that I failed to keep posting. And more of the truth is that I have been reluctant to post…to be public in general. I lost touch with the purpose of writing here.

Blogging as a way of communicating is easily deceptive. I mean that I can easily trick myself into believing that the words I write are only for me. From my perspective, the words are typed from my keyboard where no one is watching me type them and therefore, who could know to look for them on the internet? I write alone, therefore my words live in a blog cave. It’s quite plausible to me that no one ever reads what I write. And somehow, by just believing that, I can return to writing as a practice of enjoyment and expression. I find that whenever I express something for the sake of expressing it the results seem to more rewarding, effective, and satisfying. When I make a result the focus for my process of expression, things seem to come out wonky, forced, and the process becomes exhaustive. Not always, but often.

But why blog? I have a journal I can easily write in and enjoy the freedom of expression that privacy encourages. So I started thinking about why this blogging thing is worth my while. Well, what if there were a fire or natural environmental event that destroyed all documents and artifacts with my individual expressions on them? With a blog, my words are preserved and protected from natural disasters, as long as eventually, somewhere in the world, a portal could be reset to access the site.

I think if I had a readership (people who actually read what I write here) I would want to say sorry for my absence. But I think it might just be my parents who check this website and my brother who is the administrator. And maybe that’s the other reason that I am not consistent with writing…my audience already knows me - they are my family. So what’s the point of writing? Well, I guess for this entry, the point has been to just get me to show up and write for the pleasure it brings me. Me as my own audience when I’m older and very far removed from the times in which these thoughts were born. And writing here allows me to pretend that my voice, my words, and ideas have a place in this world. That way of looking at things makes it safer and more manageable for the lesser developed parts of myself that fear destruction. And if you are reading this and happen not to be a relative or friend then hopefully there is some value in these words for you. Otherwise, as a reader…what’s the point?

Janice Down the Rabbit Hole