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Settling is for Up-does and Cakes

April 16th, 2011 No comments

I have, in my personal history, dated people who really were not well-suited for long-term partnerships.  With someone else, they were very well-suited, but not for me.  Nevertheless, with each person, I held on to optimistic ideas of what could be; focusing more on what I wanted to hear, see, and feel rather than what was actually being said, done, and felt.   Exasperated by the fact that I wanted it all to be just right the first time.  This pattern of settling for what-could-be, is old and boring.   I am, as my girlfriend LaKetta would put it, sick of being sick of it.

Rarely do I write here about happenings in my dating life.  Mostly because there really isn’t much happening (and more honestly, I’m private).  I am what is considered by most of the world to be ‘single’.  I don’t put a lot of emphasis on “finding someone”; I’ve only just barely found out who I am.  I thought that was important to do first before throwing myself into a deal with someone else who is also just figuring himself out.  Isn’t it true, that we really are all, as we go along, revealing our Selves to the I in “I am”?  Even though I know it doesn’t really end, the quest for self-knowledge, I do appreciate how very useful it can be to gather enough knowledge about myself to be able to explain, give fair warning, and apologize in advance, whenever possible.  It doesn’t stop shit from happening, but it feels more honest somehow.  With the growing awareness of all my shortcomings and jagged edges, and having experienced the hit of other’s, I think I’ve developed a healthy skepticism about romance.

I suppose it may be true that I’m a skeptic from not wanting to be disappointed as I have so often been, and from not wanting to be an outwardly hopeless romantic (because inside, I kind of am).  I completely enjoy getting swept away by a romantic-comedy and reading Pride and Prejudice wass one of the most memorable book reading experiences I’ve had to date.  HOW!ever, that was when I was 18 and I like to think that I’m more practical and realistic now.  Or, if I’m to put the psychoanalysis on zoom, I’m afraid of love, as one ex put it.  Perhaps I am that too.  It seems to me, from observations at a young age, that what many people call love is really messed up.  And ‘forever’ is really only about 7 – 10 years, or just until they’ve raised the children to be old enough to handle the separation.  LOVES also spells SOLVE.  Neat, hey?!  But see, I’m not really looking to solve anything.  I no longer consider myself broken, needing fixing.  A common assumption about a single woman in her mid-thirties is that she doesn’t want to be.  “Single?  Let’s fix that!”

I have a really great life.  I like who I am.  I know I am loved and appreciated.  And while many people may not agree, I prefer to be single than to shack up with someone and become miserable.  Is it possible that miraculous happiness could result from a well-suited match?  Sure.  I believe that miracles can happen.  I’m thankful to have met a select few couples who are truly very happy with who they are as individuals and as a couple, so I know it’s possible (for them).  The only projects I’m interested in are art projects, no more dating projects.  What I’m saying is, Up-do hairstyles and baking cakes require some degree of settling, not love (the lasting kind).

And as I write that last line, my computer plays Journey’s “Don’t Stop Believing.”