Posts Tagged ‘failure’

Dancing more in 2011

January 4th, 2011 No comments

My last article on this website was about dancing for breakfast…four months ago! And while I would very much like to create a regular routine of blogging, to do so is sadly more difficult for me than routinely avoiding meat. It seems a simple task, creating a daily habit of writing; and yet, running 10km every morning for 3 months, or walking across Spain in 30 days has come more easily to me. It is one of the most difficult things I have attempted to do.

Someone, in his effort to encourage me into action, said: “How bad do you want it?” It, being anything in general. I understand what was being asked of me. What am I willing to do to achieve or acquire what I want.

Well, it seems that the more I am in want, the stronger is my resistance to taking action toward the desired. This has been demonstrated by my failure with consistent blog articles. Is it possible then, that I have turned writing into a desire of distraction? This would be a desire I make up in order to distract myself from attaining the mighty important desire that is so much closer to a dream than it is a reasonable goal to pursue. And that word, ‘pursue’…who wants to be chasing something? The connotation and sense memory of that wreaks of desperation and exhausting effort. And if that’s true, that I distract myself away from the things I most want, then I could perpetually be in a state of dissatisfaction. And this, I have read, is what it means to be an artist…to always be dissatisfied. That just won’t do for me. I prefer to think that life can be full of really satisfying achievements. In fact, I’ve known it in my past experiences to be so. But from where I am today, that level of vitality seems a great distance away.

So for this year of 2011, I’m going to use the metaphor of dance and song for how I consider goals and my desire to achieve. Rather than get daunted by the big empty dance floor with the exciting and complex music ( on days of supreme insecurity, add to that the anxiety of being observed), it probably be more gentle on myself to consider each step a small shimmy, a wee head bop, one step forward with a swing of a hip, closer to a goal.

I’m writing this entry at a computer in the majestic building of the Central Vancouver Public Library, the people around me are talking as if they are on a public bus, and my concentration is weakening among these fluorescent lights and chatter. And while I am not thrilled about the content I’ve written here, I am glad that I took a moment to write. Hopefully, you as the reader, aren’t regretting the few minutes you spent here. If you have, make a constructive comment, and if you’ve read this and have questions for yourself or for me then I’d like to get those too!

I have felt concerned that I don’t have a singular theme for my blog because having one subject matter to write about seems to work for so many. Themes are not why I write so themes, it would follow, don’t bring me to the keyboard. That desire to give voice to thought, to take action on an impulse to say something about anything, to update people who want to know what’s up to date with me, and to dance…with words.

It is the large scope of public that I find most challenging with blogging. So while I may have happenings to report, it may take me some time to find the words that can express them in my public voice. What is a public voice? Perhaps I’ll write about that in my next entry. Thanks for reading, and may you enjoy the dances of 2011 to their fullest.

Because I want to see Autumn

October 14th, 2007 2 comments

It is a beautiful autumn day and from where I sit in Joseph’s apartment, I can see the glorious mountains and orange tree tops.  Aahh….I love this season of transition.  I feel more and more that September is the true beginning of the New Year.  Maybe because it’s the start of the school year and that has stayed with me.  I truly appreciate the ability of the trees to let go of their summer glory and transform.  I don’t always approach change as gracefully and I am thankful to learn from nature, these wiser ways of riding life.  As their leaves turn colour and prepare to fall, the tree isn’t thinking, “I’m dying, I’ve failed in being a tree.”  It just is.  It doesn’t resist or judge itself for losing it’s most celebrated form.  In fact, what I find so special is that it is in this state of letting go and vulnerability, that the core of the tree becomes even more distinct and attractive.  And when the leaves fall, that tree expands even further into the world around it, filling it with life and colour.

Imagine what one could accomplish each day without the fear of failing.  What would you try if you knew that your success were assured? 

I strive to explore that way of being with more awareness of what holds me back and what motivates me forward.  I strive to eliminate fear from my motivations when choosing thoughts, intentions and actions.

I wrote a short story recently based on what little I know about the Binukot in the Philippines and I’m excited that it has been selected to be paired with the skills and talents of a filmmaker, Mark Borowski, in Victoria.  I’m actually getting paid to contribute to this project called “Scene and Heard”!  I discovered in the process of writing this short story that I actually really enjoy creative writing and I feel energized by the process when it is something that I have personally selected.  Often in school I experienced writing only as a requirement and somehow that took away from my feelings of enjoyment.  Is that a similar dynamic when we stop enjoying something when it becomes a requirement?  Like when I wash dishes, I usually enjoy it.  I like making things clean and refreshed.  BUT, if I know there is an expectation or requirement that I do the dishes at a certain time or a certain way, the idea of doing dishes changes and the experience of washing the dishes is not as enjoyable, if at all. 

I woke up before the sun started to come into the room today, before 7:00am.  It’s Sunday and I went to sleep after 12am last night.  I wasn’t tired and my body had enough rest and it wasn’t a sound or my bladder that woke me up.  I was just ready and happy to wake up.  This in not a rare happening.  But what’s interesting is that I can’t do that during the work week when I know I must wake up for 7am so that I can go to the job that earns me my current living salary.  What a joy it is to wake up simply motivated to be alive.  My hope is that I can start each day with that enthusiasm and love for life, regardless of the required tasks within a day; for each day is a new gift with infinite possibilities to be surprise and delight.

Have a magnificent Autumn Day!