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Posts Tagged ‘fear’

What are we waiting for?

April 26th, 2011 No comments

Here is a video that I want to share with readers because when we contemplate life’s challenges, as I often do here, I think we are well served to be reminded of its fragility and mystery.

Today I did something that brings up a lot of fear.  I committed to an audition.  The more I think about the unpredictable nature of life, the more I feel determined to gain control of my fears and release limiting beliefs.  After watching this video, I decided to make my travel wishlist a priority again!   I hope it inspires you to make bold and courageous choices to live the life that is waiting for you!

10 Ways to Be Who You Are

February 4th, 2011 No comments

“10 Ways to Tell A Guy You’re Interested”

That’s the title of an article in a magazine that a girl sitting in-front of me was reading on the bus; I was on my way home from watching The Social Network movie.

Ten ways!?!  That sounds exhausting!  Why not simplify and do just 1 method of, mmm, I don’t know…

…Say hello, and tell him, “I’m interested!”  Done.

“In what?” he might ask, (if he’s one who needs specifics)

And depending on your willingness to be direct, you might respond with “You.”

Contrary to the title of this post, I’m not going to write about how I think people can be who they already are.  I will offer, however, some questions worth exploring:

“Are you free to be who you feel you are inside?” Do you need 10, five or maybe 20 different ways to express your complexity of fears and cover-ups?  I have spent so much time figuring out how to behave in the manner that would get me what I want, instead of just flat-out asking for it.  And worse, I have spent just as much time hiding behind pleasantries and heartless smiles to avoid having to speak the truth of my thoughts and experiences.  Recognizing now that many successful people actually have many enemies and slanderers tells me that I haven’t been selfish or bitchy enough.  Actually, I didn’t need that recognition to know that, it has been suggested by a few.

“What is your criteria for friendship?” Your criteria, not what a magazine lists as your “shoulds”.  I put the word friends in parenthesis because now, being available as online profiles, most of my friendship interactions are happening online in social networks and I’m left wondering a lot, “Who are my friends?”  “What does it look like or mean to be a friend?” Because really, just because I want to be someone’s friend and they accept my request online doesn’t mean that they actually will or want to interact with me.  The fact that I have over 300 facebook(fb) friends and did zero face-to-face socializing this week is hard proof of that!

Recently I got a friend request from someone who was a friend of a fb-friend and I wasn’t really sure what the point of it was.  It was from a male and sadly, I’m largely skeptical of invitations coming from males.  I’m not proud of that, but it’s true.  Especially when it’s online from someone I haven’t met before.  Hopefully if my fb-friends and friends read this, those who are unsure of their friendly relations with me will ask, those who don’t ask, probably weren’t and those who know won’t have to.

“Who would you call if you knew that they would be happy to hear from you?”

“To whom would you say it, if saying no were valued and respected?”

“What would you wear if you were the trend-setter?”

Those are just 5 questions.  The second set of 5 (to make it the classic 10) would be the same questions, answered at a time when you feel like you have nothing and nobody to lose.

One of my favourite quotes replays in my mind (spotted on a tweet):

It takes courage to grow up and be who you are.  – e.e. cummings


Voice is my Weapon of Choice

January 19th, 2011 No comments

Here’s a little something to dance to…a video with FatBoy Slim & Christopher Walken.

If fear of public expression could some how be turned off for the duration of a song, for certain we would have people breaking out into song and dance in all sorts of contagious ways; on buses and trains, in locker rooms (naked) and board rooms, in elevators, at stop signs, in traffic and line-ups in general to anything and anywhere!

What a wonderful world that would be!

Every Thursday evening I attend a community choir practice at the SFU Woodwards/Portland Hotel Society building on West Hastings in Vancouver. It’s good fun with conductor, Vanessa Richards, leading us through songs that range from Negro spirituals to folk lullabies to Paul Simon. Join us!

If our location and time don’t work for you, I encourage you to use your voice as a weapon of choice to slash through the obstacles that stimulate fear, both internal and external. Find a community choir near you or if that’s too public for now, try singing in the shower, while cooking dinner, waiting for the stop light to turn green.

Fear grows in silence and darkness and your voice has the power to illuminate and resonate. Let it do so to inspire joy and peace. Our world needs more of it.

Writing is easier when one can use someone else’s words

January 16th, 2011 No comments

This quote speaks of a familiar experience with writing:

” I have a hard time writing. Most writers have a hard time writing. I have a harder time than most because I’m lazier than most. … I would have made a perfect heiress. I enjoy lounging. And reading. The other problem I have is fear of writing. The act of writing puts you in confrontation with yourself, which is why I think writers assiduously avoid writing.” – Fran Lebowitz

L is for ability

October 26th, 2009 No comments

Love. What is it? What is this thing that poets and musicians, novelists and artists of all kinds are compelled to write, speak, dance, and sing about? I’ve heard this word, ‘love’, as a salutation to end a conversation. I often hear the words ‘I love you…’ in a tone that is like a request for affectionate reciprocation – a slight lingering at the end, a breathe waiting for an echo, a reply. What is love? I can remember wanting to hear it often, believing that if “I Love You” is said, then love exists, and if those words are not expressed, love is absent. I used to think that if it was not said to me by those I admired, it naturally meant that I had not yet earned the love I was seeking, that something was wrong with me and I had only to do something, everything, to please other, and then I would earn love. After spending much time alone this past year, I’m no longer bothered not to hear it. In fact, my comfort zone is not to hear it. I suspect I would feel confused, if not afraid, if I had to deal with an expression of love.

Love, its ambiguity and fame, keeps me wondering, “Where does it go when it leaves?”

While many women my age are out looking for a husband or sleeping with one, I watched a tv movie on this lovely saturday evening, called “13 going on 30”. Oh to have magical wishing dust to sprinkle on me while I time travel to a different state of body and mind; a state where I have a circle of friends who mutually seek out the company of each other on a weekly basis out of joy to play and spend time together. Only 20 years ago a swing set, a magazine and a fruit roll-up shared with a friend was a simple formula for fun. As a result the other awkward and uncomfortable experiences of that age, I also couldn’t wait to be 25. I mistakenly estimated that by age 25, I’d be all grown up with a job, happy and thriving. When I turned 16, I became wiser to my pace of development and moved the target age of “happy and thriving” to 30. Somewhere, (my departure from New York City is always suspect), I regressed. I may be in a state of perpetual adolescence, only without the fiery passion that made the awkward teen years worthwhile.

I remember feeling a spirit within that was so strong in my adolescence, that I believed in extreme and beautiful possibilities for our world. I was so convinced that once I left the small town where I grew up, I would go and do something really wonderful for humanity. It was a constant ball of energy inside, always thinking forward, the believer in possibilities. But I screwed up and lost the connection somewhere along my way. Today, I caught myself searching for that lost part; in the usual places at first – friends, plans for change in the home, a romantic comedy! And then the movie ends and reality is still unchanged. I am unchanged and yet very different from how I once was.

Where has she gone, that lover of life, the daring dreamer, the smiler of joy that many remember me to be? I wish her to return soon. I’d like very much to believe that there is more value to my life than what I have given it so far. And what, besides what we do gives a life value? Who decides? Who measures the value of a life?
I am still breathing and I like to believe that there is purpose to that. Now, to connect to what that is!

Some say there is no purpose to life. That seems both a relief from responsibility and a loss of joy.

On the sidewalk near my house someone has written on the pavement with paint, “Love is!”
Maybe I have asked the wrong questions. What is love? What is my life purpose? Perhaps these are impossible questions to answer. Love simply IS, the pathway says. Life IS. The purpose is not to be found, it is to be created in the being. “I am” is true. All words following “I Am” are experiments with the state of life. With or without love, with or without joy, my life is what it is. Life is.

Because I want to see Autumn

October 14th, 2007 2 comments

It is a beautiful autumn day and from where I sit in Joseph’s apartment, I can see the glorious mountains and orange tree tops.  Aahh….I love this season of transition.  I feel more and more that September is the true beginning of the New Year.  Maybe because it’s the start of the school year and that has stayed with me.  I truly appreciate the ability of the trees to let go of their summer glory and transform.  I don’t always approach change as gracefully and I am thankful to learn from nature, these wiser ways of riding life.  As their leaves turn colour and prepare to fall, the tree isn’t thinking, “I’m dying, I’ve failed in being a tree.”  It just is.  It doesn’t resist or judge itself for losing it’s most celebrated form.  In fact, what I find so special is that it is in this state of letting go and vulnerability, that the core of the tree becomes even more distinct and attractive.  And when the leaves fall, that tree expands even further into the world around it, filling it with life and colour.

Imagine what one could accomplish each day without the fear of failing.  What would you try if you knew that your success were assured? 

I strive to explore that way of being with more awareness of what holds me back and what motivates me forward.  I strive to eliminate fear from my motivations when choosing thoughts, intentions and actions.

I wrote a short story recently based on what little I know about the Binukot in the Philippines and I’m excited that it has been selected to be paired with the skills and talents of a filmmaker, Mark Borowski, in Victoria.  I’m actually getting paid to contribute to this project called “Scene and Heard”!  I discovered in the process of writing this short story that I actually really enjoy creative writing and I feel energized by the process when it is something that I have personally selected.  Often in school I experienced writing only as a requirement and somehow that took away from my feelings of enjoyment.  Is that a similar dynamic when we stop enjoying something when it becomes a requirement?  Like when I wash dishes, I usually enjoy it.  I like making things clean and refreshed.  BUT, if I know there is an expectation or requirement that I do the dishes at a certain time or a certain way, the idea of doing dishes changes and the experience of washing the dishes is not as enjoyable, if at all. 

I woke up before the sun started to come into the room today, before 7:00am.  It’s Sunday and I went to sleep after 12am last night.  I wasn’t tired and my body had enough rest and it wasn’t a sound or my bladder that woke me up.  I was just ready and happy to wake up.  This in not a rare happening.  But what’s interesting is that I can’t do that during the work week when I know I must wake up for 7am so that I can go to the job that earns me my current living salary.  What a joy it is to wake up simply motivated to be alive.  My hope is that I can start each day with that enthusiasm and love for life, regardless of the required tasks within a day; for each day is a new gift with infinite possibilities to be surprise and delight.

Have a magnificent Autumn Day!